how's my week?

how's my week?

Today I played blind mice with a few kids at my friend's church. It's v. family with abt 20 ppl. Haha. The game goes like this: one member will close his/her eyes and try to catch anyone ard. The one who's caught become the blind mice and he/she goes ard closing her eyes and catching ppl. So it goes on and on. Much to my surprise, I actually enjoyed it even I thought it's childish at first! It's exhilarating! Really brings up my mood a lot after a stress, busy, vexing and troubled week.

Troubled? I am. For the past one week or so. I can't describe it even if you ask me. Only God knows. He created me what... hahaha. It's just a heavy feeling as I ponder upon the past. The past that I'm suppressing suddenly just got a hold on me again. Perhaps I haven't totally let it go... I really can't describe it... abit of guilt? Abit of confusion? Abit of regrets? Perhaps abit of everything. I prayed earnestly again. Pouring out everything before God. Why is it that I can't let go? Am I really in love? If I am, have I made the wrong choice then? Have I let go of an opportunity just because somehow I don't feel right? God, I am soooo desperate again, desperate for an answer to ease all my doubts...

Some people say I've made the right choice and I'm convinced, though, not totally. Some say I've made the wrong choice.

One day, as I was reading the bible, I saw this passage,

... So they proposed two men: Joseph called Barsabbas (also known as Justus) and Matthias. Then they prayed, "Lord, you know everyone's heart. Show us which of these two you have chosen to take over this apostolic ministry, which Judas left to go where he belongs." Then they cast lots, and the lot fell to Matthias; so he was added to the eleven apostles. (Acts 1:23-26)

This passage gave me an idea. I prayed too, from my heart. I prayed very specifically that I will pick it for 3 times. Then, I cast lots. And 3 times out of the 4 times I picked "PRAY", among the 4 choices of, "PRAY", "WAIT", "NOW" and "BLANK". "BLANK" means none of the above.

I'm assured to a certain extent that I've made the right choice. However, I wasn't very convinced still. But, I trusted and continued praying, knowing that my Creator knows the best. Finally on Saturday, during the before service prayer, once again, I poured out everything's that's so heavy in my heart before God, be it stress, disappointment, anger, and even the current situation I'm in. I can't carry it anymore...

Saturday's sermon really answered my doubts. Topic: Emotion. Can your faith be based on emotions alone? Emotions are powerful forces within the human mind. A sudden surge of anger can lead to the death of another. How then can we allow it to control our lives? There are generally 2 phases in a Christian life.

"Courtship"- When you experience your 1st love with God. It's a wonderful feeling. Faith is strong. Adrenaline's running. You feel excited. You want to read and talk to God every day, every moment!

"Married Life"- Signified by quiet commitment. It is stable. It is growing maturity. It is not based on feelings, but rather on the Word of God (Bible).

Now, this somehow applies to my current situation. It is indeed true to say that love starts with a feeling. But logic and reasoning have to come in rather than allowing your emotions to control you. Let me put it in this way. If anger does not come with logic and reasoning, another will be killed. Likewise, love. For example, I love Jay Chou. He is just so cool, so handsome, so nice, and his voice melts my heart!!! I'll think of him during lectures, in my dreams and even in the toilet!!! I wish I can be married to Jay Chou one day!!! 2 responses: You can either choose to let your emotions control you in this manner and place all your hope and focus on this one thing or you can allow reasoning and logic to sort things out- Yes, I love him but it is highly impossible to be married with him since he lives in Taiwan and I'm in Spore. I will have to live with him and the love of his fans towards him if I'm married to him. Am I able to accept that? I have to accept his standards as a wife of a star. I have to accept and love his whole family even if they are nasty towards me. Logic and reasoning adds to long-lasting relationships, especially to prepare you for the married phase when feelings fades and romantic love they show in televisions are diluted. Until then, only genuine love stands, against all odds. Genuine love is deeper, and more stable. It is based on commitment of the will. A choice made probably by logic and understanding. This is not telling you to numb yourself and make yourself feel nothing. Or to suppress your emotion. Just don't allow emotions/feelings to control your life totally. Because feelings can go up and down- it can blow hot, it can blow cold.

For those who have been hurt, probably the life of a man could encourage you. C.S Lewis, the author of the famous movie, Chronicles of Narnia shared his real life experience through a book he wrote. (For more info: http://meme.essortment.com/joydavidman_rqzh.htm) It talks about how he loved this woman so much but that woman, in the end died of cancer. He was so filled with grief. He then concluded that he could have 2 choices. To love and being vulnerable to hurts and rejections or never to love again. Bravely, he chose the 1st.

To sum up, emotions are the very nature of every human. We are made this way for a purpose. Things are started through emotions. Example, love starts relationships and marriage, passion starts involvement, compassion starts community work, etc. However, logic and reasoning have to come along. Do I have time for relationships, do I have time for involvement, and do I have time for community work? If these are not thought, and if you have passion for everything, probably you'll find yourself burnt out! Rushing for this & that. I experienced that. And I think I really NEED to prioritize my time instead of saying yes to everything that comes my way, even though I love/enjoy doing them.

Thank God for Your assurance! I believe it is not by coincidence that I picked 3 "PRAY"s. I believe it is not by coincidence that I read that particular passage at this particular point of my life. I believe that it is not by coincidence that my pastor chose this topic to preach on. They are all for a purpose, probably the results of an answered prayer. :)