jus wanna thank God after so long. it's been awhile u've heard from me i guess. throughout, thr's ups & downs but i thank God He still loves me. thr r many times when i struggled thoughts. thoughts like, "oh no, thr's really so much to do" & i set my mind on the things i need to do. i ended up stressed. have u had such experience? sometimes at night, i couldn't slp. somtimes in the morning, i jus don't wanna wake up, prob running away frm reality. tt was wat happen 3 weeks after the mission trip?? i seriously didnt expect tt. probably, i was a little too complacent when i thought that my stuff was more impt than God...

anw, on sat, we had some community event whr we hold an elderly hand for a walkathon. the aim was to get the old ppl out for walks. got to hear some interesting sharings from this old man tt's really encouraging. do enjoyed the time! then back to church. during the before service prayer, somehow i felt thr's this heaviness in my heart. i can't seem to seek God face to face. thoughts like, "u haven't been putting God first, who are u to come to Him again? u r always stuck in the sin-confess-sin-confess cycle, u r not worthy to come back to Him..." i didn't realise it was satan's lies. i remember someone said, the difference between satan's voice & the Holy Spirit's voice is satan's one is condeming but the Holy Spirit one is a gentle reminder, a conviction in ur heart. so we went on with praise & worship. didn't feel like jumping... anw, i tried to be sincere as possible in worship cos i noe God looks at the heart. tt day's sermon was on pleasing God. i really want to please God. so i went forward. at the altar, i really pour everything to Him, i told Him all tt i'm feeling & wat's in me... i told Him i really wanna please Him & love Him with all my heart... then someone prayed for me. The only thing tt struck me in the prayer was 1 John 1:9, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful & just to forgive our sins & cleanse us from all unrighteousness" at once, those condeming thoughts left me & i knew from my heart, i'm forgiven.

then came sun. i woke up, the 1st thing i rem was God. i came before Him again. somehow, another sets of condeming thoughts came, thoughts like, "if God really love u, He'll speak to u with audible voice, thr's no power in ur prayer, u r so weak, u always fail..." i began to ask Him many qns like, "God, why do some ppl hear u with audible voice, why not me? why do u not show me very, very great signs & wonders?" after talking to Him for some time & being still before Him, God showed me that all the negative thought i had were lies from the evil one [i confessed & asked for His forgiveness] & He showed me that He's always speaking to me. He created me in such a way to recognise this sort of His voice. God created everyone different & of course the way He speaks to us is also different. God even reminded me once again of the so many miracles that i've seen in thailand, & even in Lighthouse miracle service... i began to counter those thoughts 1 by 1 with the word of God. God says,"I love u", He says "u r worthy, u r a child of God." He says "ask anything in My name that is according to the will of the Father & it'll be given to u", He says, "ur weaknesses is made perfect in My strength", He says, "My grace is sufficient for u", He says, "I've overcomed the world". I really felt love again & freedom. though i'm in the midst of storm (busyness) but i hold on to Him who's sovereign & in control. Most of all, faithful & trustworthy...

even wanna thank God on mon. though do have many things to do, still i kept my eyes on Him, telling Him i'm trusting Him to guide me in everything, leaving everything into His hands. whatever happens in prayer meeting is definately God! Then wed, v. amazingly when i came hm frm meeting eileen ong (haha. need to put surname cos i got 2 friends by the name of eileen!) it started to drizzle. told God please dont let it pour heavily till i reached the shelter. it drizzled till i was safe & sound at hm then it started to pour heavily. & when i'm gg to sch for lm, it started to drizzle again. once again i told God, pls let me reach sch before it rain heavily. i trust u... & God did again! thank God not only for ans my praying but He really knows when i needed those encouragement from Him. those ans prayers... it really assured me of His love for me so strongly!

There's jus too much to thank God for that i can't blog finish... haha. even wanna thank God for today's sj training. i'm beginning to really love my girls... really... haha. i actually enjoyed them & don't find it a dread to organise training anymore. honestly, the previous com training... i was really stress, tired & burnt out... but now i'm beginning to find the joy! though its a really short period of time & short of trainers too, i jus wanna give all i can to them & wish them all the best!

i'll continue to trust God and fix my eyes on Him!!! :)