Haha. I just smiled when I read my own journal saved in my folder. It reminded me how God provided everything for me and the things I've learnt so much as a young Christian. The excitement I had, etc. Some things I've already forgotten and perhaps taken for granted now.

Some entries from 2006 (in my personal journal)...

31-1-06
God gave me compassion. He saddened my heart upon hearing last week’s sermon, how the world have become. I cried. How insane human can get. Even more so when u turn on the television and hear how innocent teens playing basketball could be slash by someone they don’t know. Life is vulnerable, unpredictable and fragile. We really don’t know when we have another day to live. It reminded me of a dream. A scary one. Dreamt that one of my friend is about to go… and there I am, helpless, anxious, scared cos I haven’t tell her about Jesus. I was so afraid… I really want to see my friends in heaven… I really love them. When I woke up my heart was still pumping fast. As if it was so real. I sms-ed that particular friend the first thing in the morning and glad she’s alright. I want to tell others about Jesus…

17-7-06
There are 3 very evident things that I know God has provided. One, a pass in my BCLS theory test as I have very limited time to study. Two, God provided me with all my needs, in terms of monetary sense. I find this month especially a blessing even when I’m short of cash but willing to give him my 10% plus a lil love offering. God gave me much more. One, mommy now cooks most of my dinner (I could save that $$) and I had my breakfast most of the time at home (in most cases, daddy would buy food home), which I don’t usually have in the past, so now lunch I don’t eat a lot, cos I’m filled at home. Everyday, I’m filled and full. I’m thankful I don’t have to go hungry. I even have extra cash to bless others, like buying loaker, mic birthday present and spending time with my friends at SIAM kitchen and kbox! And on Sat, 15/7/06, Ken decided to give me a lift in his new car. Again, I saved $$. Then that night, Aunty Laura paid for my bro’s and my supper money, which she insisted! Third, I find myself closer with my classmates and I thank God for that! I pray that He’ll continue to work in my classmates heart! Thank You Jesus! There are more thing to thank God for, like I wasn’t late when meeting Ken, the cab came just in time, I wasn’t late when meeting with Xiao Wan Lin to practice the songs and she did a good job with the music, I thank God even for the desire to pray for others and spend time with Him despite my busyness. I thank God! 

7-8-06
Amazing!! I found my wallet today!!! Actually when I prayed on 3rd of Aug, God gave me the assurance that I would find my wallet cos I prayed sth like, please let me dream where I’ve placed it. And He did but jus that I forgot the place when I woke up… after that dream I’m so so sure that I’ll find it… but my dad kept asking me to report lost… and so I doubted my dream after finding and gave up. I reported lost. Relating back to Mylene’s experience, once again, He showed me that He have already heard my prayers the moment I prayed and is working on it… but I lose hope and give easily… and when I does that, I didn’t do what He wants but rather what I want… I just thank God for this lesson… for showing Himself real & evident… I know nothing happened by coincidence but all for His wonderful purpose for my life if I’m willing to surrender to Him. I thank God for the lesson learnt. 

10-8-06
My mum came into my room and saw my masterlife book with ants and choc. Worse, its on my bed. Thank God if not I’m gonna sleep with ants.

26-8-06
Wanna give thanks again. I thought I would fail my HS2035 but I passed! Am very, very thankful…

Who's the Centre Of Our Lives? (COOL)

Today, I made a decision to be filled with the Spirit. As Eph 5:18 says, 'Do not be drunk with wine which leads to debuachery instead, be filled with the Spirit'.

Actually, for the past few days or even weeks I've been struggling, often times being frustrated in my Christian walk and work. After reading fireseeds from Korea to the world (2 recent fav books- growing deep in God by Edmund Chan and this!), though in awe of God's awesome miracles in Korea, I was also afraid to live a surrendered life. I remember telling God that I want to surrender my life to Him. But, I doubted that commitment. If I were Dr Kim, will I still be able to trust God despite all that have happened? I doubted myself. I doubt that I would be so strong and firm, so persevering and persistant. I was in fact so faithless that fear gripped me partly also cos of some ghost stories that leaves me repeating, 'Jesus' till I fell asleep and even once, left the lights on. I know this shouldn't be a life of a Christian, living in fear and without faith, boldness and courage to trust God. If Christ is truly in me, I will be victorious and able to overcome all things. Though I was faithless, yet deep in me, I yearn to be big spiritual giants like Dr. Kim and Rev. Edmund Chan. Man of faith who trusted God to accomplish big things and God did it through them. But, due to my past, doubts, lack of faith, I am afraid to make another commitment and to allow God to use me.

I know I'm faithless because I looked at myself. I knew my problem already and often times I wanna change. I want to wake up early to pray, I wanted to fast, I wanted to set aside more time for QT, yet time and again, I overslept or failed to do so. Another problem I had is also I depended on the unreliable- feeling instead of the reliable- God's word. I know that, yet I can't seem to get out of it. I just couldn't do what I want to do and it is so demoralising and frustrating. I tried to read more books/articles for encouragement/motivation but I've missed the point.

However, God being gracious again revealed my problem to me. Only God knows what exactly I needed. Basics. It didn't occured to me that it's the basics. I thought I've progressed much more but now, I realise I couldn't progressed further unless I apply my basics. Yes, I've been missing it, I think, for a long while. No wonder, I realised I'm often trying to live a self-rightoues life and failed so easily. And then, I'll go into self-blame. Then, I go into a spiritual high again, then down. Like running in circles, going no where. Much to my shock, the truth tells me that I'm a carnal Christian which I least expceted it! A carnal Christian is someone who recieves Christ but lives in defeat because he trust his own strength to live a Christian life. It's impossible to live out a Christian life without God because the standard is too high, perhaps too Holy to be coming out from the very heart of men! Little did I realise that I forgot about God's love (through asking question like why did He allow Dr. Kim to suffer?), I forgot about God's forgiveness (when I felt guilty), I forgot about God's power (when I fear ghost), I tried to do the right thing but cannot, I had no desire to pray or read the word, I sinned. These are signs of carnility. I was shocked. I heard this before, even taught it before but I guess it is time for me to apply the basics, the foundation again. Probably, I forgot that living a Spirit-filled life is a moment by moment thing and not a one off thing. And how can we be filled? Through spiritual breathing. Confess my sins (exhale) and be filled (inhale) by faith based on His command (Eph 5:18) and promise (1 John 5:13-16). I did that. I don't have a emotional high, neither do I felt like a wind gushing through me or something. But later on, I knew something inside me changed. My thoughts and my perspective. It is easier to do the right things or the things that God wants me to do when I'm filled and empowered by the Holy Spirit!

As much as I yearn to be like the many man of faith and of course, the best example Jesus Christ, Himself, I should no longer look at myself but to God. Only He can reveal visions but even before I can have a vision from God like Dr. Kim, I needed to be Spirit-filled (To be controlled and empowered by God). I did pray about it and I guess God needed to lay the foundations in my life right first.

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!