I'M TWENTY FIRST! :)



I'm so glad I had AL, I really need rest and retreat.

I like this:
Joey: SO, how old are you this year?
Me: What do you think?
Joey: Nineteen.
Me: HAHAHAHA! THANKS! :)

Maybe bcos I dont dress UP and make UP. Well, but I enjoyed looking younger. It's not fun being an adult afterall. Missed school. Missed long hols and camps. Missed retreats and service. Missed mission trips. I've been making lots of mistakes recently and just felt so lousy. Not only that, I've seen very hypocritical ppl and I'm scared somtimes. I find it hard to trust ppl. And I doubt God just as easily. I really feel so hopeless at work sometimes. How could these ppl believe in true love, in a God who loved them when they are so hypocrite. They would probably think I'm nice so that I can trick them to church or sth. And, sometimes, ppl just don't care. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. That's what I'm taught now. "Hey, shuyan, kindness don't pay off" Well, I can't blame them. I realise the world is cruel and full of evil. I know, the bible says so. And some ppl jus experienced it earlier than I do. I grew up in a place full of love, realness, and openness. A place full of grace, and forgiveness. A place where ppl really do care. And i MISSED that place. ALOT. sometimes, i feel like i'm being sucked into the "culture". I get depressed at my own weaknesses. I don't wanna give without loving. I don't wanna cover mistakes which I made. I don't wanna not care anymore. But, I do. I'm so dissapionted with myself and I think I dissapointed God too. I really dunno how to "survive" being a light in the darkness. I feel that my lamp is flickering. And I'm sad, admist all my happiness.

I cried to God on my 21st birthday in my secret.

AND I am really happy as well, I really didnt know I would be so happy to have surprises. I've always thought it's like any other day. There's no need to celebrate. I only wanted to save those ppl I know would celebrate for me the time and effort of planning and brainstorming. so, I organised it myself. But surprises still came. PKC peeps, I really hear your heart behind the surprises. Though I guessed it, but well, it really made my day full of laughter! I've been laughing to myself throughout the journey. And actually, it's quite fun being sabo-ed. that's just nice. Too much will have undesirable effects. And to my nyp classmates, you made me laugh till i cry. i didnt guessed it at all. And I really love it. I love strawberry! And the necklace too. And, the amazing thing is that I really love this year's presents. I'm touched. It's all things that I wanted but cos I don't need them, I jus forget abt them. God remembered. All of you really made my day. Been laughing to myself alot too. HAHAHAHA. HUGS! :)

Thanks for all the wishes and prayers! Seriously, it made my day.

Anw, I really feel I dont deserve it. So often I forgot abt ppl's birthday, missed their celebrations for some reasons. And often had to wish ppl belated birthday. I'm probably not a very good friend to ppl but I have very good friends. I'm blessed!

And for those who forgot or didnt say happy birthday, it's okay! I always do... don't go on a guilt trip. What matters most is the friendship.

Anw, there are still ppl i wanna meet up with.

God, revived again my heart today to love YOU and people.