Missing...

I missed dip days. I missed being in sccc esp, missed the ppl thr. missed gg for missions trip, and camps! having a sense of purpose, conviction, vision, dream, this grp of ppl whom we prayed together, worked together, cry together, play together and laugh like crazy together. So often, its really the quality time. The deep things that we share and can connect to, so honest, REAL and transperant, being so vulnerable and yet knowing that they still loved you. So true, so loving, so wise, so encouraging, so willing to hear, and often so crazily funny as well. I missed them, ALOT! Felt so blessed, so happy and worry free! Nth matters as much as long as God is with me and my wonderful family in Christ... felt heaven on earth then! Felt like I've really placed the first things first in my life- God and ppl. Felt so strong, confident and secure as I walked thru life's journey with Him and trusting Him alone, even when I got less time to study than my peers. Felt so close to Him, hearing from Him ,seeing Him work. meeting my needs and enjoying His presence. And His ppl who are TRULY nice without formality sake or fakeness bcos they TRULY are Christ like... ppl who loved God and loved ppl, always reaching out in love, still able to give and always say that they are blessed to be a blessing even with the humble support they raised and yet God always, always meeting their needs. lovely, sweet ppl.


but not now...

I'm writing
in the chaos of emotions,
in the confusion of decisions.
I'm not clear minded
but truly, its sth upon my heart.
Sth so heavy,
I've always wanted to say
but don't know how.


I felt overwhelmed in sch
Felt like I cannot understand and have to spend lots of time reading up.
Felt like I dont have time.
Felt like I've made so many wrong decisions
Felt like bcos of me, other ppl made wrong decisions as well
Felt so dumb somtimes
Felt like I've neglected some friends
Felt I cannot cope with so many friends and activities
Felt like I've neglected my sis
My social circle shrinked trumendously
I want to spend time with my sis
but she's always not at home
I dont know how to prioritise
I've got only 24hrs a day.
Frankly speaking, I've yet to enjoy myself that much.
Always felt like I havent really put in my best effort in my studies and so much wanted to do well this time.
Felt more irratable these days, esp at mum's nagging
Sometimes wished I dont have to work
But what abt my expenses?
Felt that the car is a great liability.
Felt like crying,
I cannot cry.
I'm laughing so other ppl will not feel bad
I'm counting the cost of my future and its never enough.
Retirement, marriage, children, inflation.
Felt like a miser sometimes
Ppl says to invest but I dont know how
And I got no time to read now
I dont know what to do.
Where is my bf?


I dont want my life to be like that. I know I can be victorious in Christ. I know I can be an overcomer. I know I can be confident and secure in Him. I know He can provide all my needs. I know I shouldnt store up treasure on this earth but in heaven. I know I'm not trusting, not having faith. I know, I know, I know. I felt like I know alot but these knowledge seemed to slowly creeped away from my heart back to my head only. I know to guard my heart. How? Where's my FAITH, where's my CONVICTIONS? I need a more definate, more stable, higher purpose to live than all life could offer, I need God, I need faith, I need conviction again. I realised how easy it is to go into depression without God's truth, love, Word, and His ppl. It's more than a want, it's a need. I need to be satisfied in Him and Him alone. To be filled by His overflowing love so I got more to give. I'm tearing the mask of laughter, I'm laying my weaknesses before you. You see, it's no longer what I can do now, I'm vulnerable. I've got not enough. I'm weak. I have no idea how, I jus know that I need God, got to get back to His presense, back to His heart, back to His ppl.


In my 3rd year of my dip days, a staff asked us, "draw what do u see yourself in 10 years time." I drew myself, and many ppl and children ard me with smiles on their faces. I don't know specifically what I want to do then. But one thing for sure, I want to bring smiles to ppl ard me, to make a difference, so that ppl ard me can be happy. What makes ppl happy? Not the kind of happiness that last only a moment but never really touched/cure deep down to the root issue. For me, the happiest moments in my life were in crusade. It was from there, God caused me to see Him more and more clearly, that I'm able to witness His works and power and love. It was then, I fell in love with God. It was then, that I felt God's heartbeat. It was then that I'm convicted, that I'm loved, that God is all I need, that He is my joy, my strength, He speaks to me. The ppl there made a great difference in my life by showing me how real God is in their lives. They showed me how to connect to God and how to enjoy a r/s with God. They didnt merely taught or talk abt God, they SHOWED me thru their lives. They live out Christ centered lives, and admitting their occasional human weakness. They are so REAL. It is perhaps bcos of their lives that no matter how bad i feel now/how difficult circumstances may be, or how much faith i know i lacked, I cannot bring myself to deny God and His power, His love. Their lives left an impact on mine, and will be a such a great legacy. Perhaps... thats what I wanna do too, to bring ppl to God, to see less of psy illness, depression, schiz, less of suicide, corruption, immorality as many bcome convicted to choose to live out Christ centered lives, knowing that God is more than enough for them.

But I need to walk the talk 1st. back to my basics of prayer, Word and meeting up with believers, living Christ centered lives and then wait upon God as He brings my head knowledge back to my heart. He knows what I need.