Weaknesses

Poor memory, lack of focus, public speaking are some very evident weaknesses that sometimes causes me to get into trouble, feel bad or be embarrased about, especially when these weaknesses doesn't benefit others the way I hope to. Subconsciously, I'd defend myself and validate the reason for my poor memory. But after defending myself, I feel even worse cos I know it's bcos I didn't wanted to be vulnerable, I didn't wanted to be lousier than what others have in their mind of me and that's pride, isn't it? These weaknesses somehow become more evident in my life right now. Maybe the people I'm with are so much smarter than me now. Sometimes, I would start wishing... I wish I have better brains, I wish I'm wiser, smarter, cleverer, more talanted...

Then again, no one is perfect and it is because of these imperfections that I depend on God all the more. I believe when God calls me, He'll equip and empower. As how He called Moses, even though Moses is really lousy at public speaking, God reassured him, "Who makes a person's mouth? Who decides whether people speak or do not speak, hear or do not hear, see or do not see? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go! I will be with you as you speak, and I will instruct you in what to say." (Ex.4:11-12) . Yes, it is You, O Lord, that make me speak, hear and see. I believe my weaknesses reminded me that You, Lord Jesus, Creator of me, my Heavenly Pa Pa, my closest Companion, my King, is and will be all I need. You told Paul, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So that Paul can say, "So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me." (2 Cor. 12:9). Likewise for me.

Jesus, thank You for Your grace in my life. There are moments of glory and times when I'm really proud of myself. When I transferred school in p.6 and went to the only school and the only class that has space, I seemed to be so proud of my results in comparison to the rest. I soon realised that that's the last class. When I got a PSLE score of 219, I thought I was rather smart. In secondary school, I remembered recieving the best camper award in a St Johns camp and the following year, a best NCO (though there's only 4 NCO to choose from, I was still kind of proud). And soon I was appointed as the chief executive of YTSS SJAB. I really wondered how I got there. But it was a good experience. Working with my best pal, Zhen Wen (I feel that she got better leadership than I do), we organised trainings, activities, camps and hikes. It was really fun! In fact, many a times, she trained me. I remembered when I had to shout commands and lead contingent for SJ day/NDP. She stayed back to shout with me and even wrote me a card to encourage me. TT. I remembered how I was praised for my formal letter and AGM report. Then when I transferred to NA, I was the top few again. I remebered the composition I wrote was praised and being photocopied and distributed to the class, I remebered I topped geography in one of the class test without studying. I was within the top 10 in N levels with a score of 3 and O levels with a score of 15 (5 subjects) and 17 (6 subjects). Then, I became an officer and trained teams for competitions. I remembered how I got an A for one of the behavoural science modules in polytechnic when I started studying only after my best friend reminded me that there's a test after school. I remembered... the list goes on... O, how I wished I'm still there and always will be there, to feel smart, good and proud. But would I really want to know You and cry out to You when I feel I'm good on my own? Even if I'm gloroius my whole life, it will still end within 70-120 years but a relationship with You will last for eternity. And when I leave this earth, how much more joy will I have when I see You face to face, a God that I already have a relationship with all these while... to have You hold my hand as I depart earth. Beautiful.

Now as I look back, I see Your grace and Your hand in those moments of glory. Though now, I seemed to be the worst and lousiest among the ppl that's around me, I know I'm here as You will. Help me to be humble and learn. And by Your hand and by Your grace, I will continue on in this journey with You as I place my hope and confidence in You alone.

If I boast, let me boast in my God.