Insecurities

Dear God, help me to be secure in Your love and not look to the approval of others. Help me to be faithful and obedient, leaving the results to you. Take away my fear o Lord that I may be bold and courageous to obey You. In Jesus name I pray, amen.

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Training In Progress

God is really training me. I have no idea why ever since I graduated from advance dip and started working again, my self esteem has been really low... even till recently. It used to be really high in sec sch, poly, in later part of prev ward and in adv dip. I seemed to be always well loved and approved by others. I seemed to often be given impt roles and coming out with valid and smart ideas. But not now.

Sometimes when i speak, the reactions of people make me feel that i've said sth really dumb. Sometimes ppl more juniour than me could be smarter and more competent at work than me. Most of the time, my brain processor is so slow. Sometimes I feel like i've done a lousy job on stage when I spend majority of my free time preparing. Sometimes when I pray, people don't say amen. Sometimes, ppl doubt my ability and I don't get selected for impt roles. Sometimes, I find myself so easily fall into sin and becoming so unholy in my thoughts and actions than before. Seldom, do I hear ppl praising me now. Have my social circle shrank? Have I changed? Have my creative juices stop flowing? Maybe.

''Be faithful still, be obedient still and live by the approval of Me alone.'' God

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Kuching trip (retrospective entry)

This was long due but was too busy to write. The kuching trip was not only a great leisure, a great rest but also a great spiritual journey. During one prayer meeting at blessed kuching church, God showed me that He is my Daddy! He loved me and would listen to me! He wouldn't give me a stone if I ask for bread or snake if I ask for an egg! Even earthly daddy, knowing evil would give us good things, how much more our heavenly Daddy! A man would still give you bread in the middle of the night if you keep asking, what more Heavenly Daddy,  What is in your heart today? Cry out to Him! 爸爸! 爸爸! 爸爸! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! At that moment I just cried out my heart to Him. I cried for my this patient who I had compassion for. He only came in for backache but he became confused, weak and deteriorated, seemed to have stroke out.  Why? I don't know. Daddy please help him. You are his Daddy too!!! (This patient was well again when i came back from kuching! Praise God!). I cried for myself, for being indifferent, for not listening and obeying God, for walking on my own for too long. I heard this teaching many times. But its the first time I was touched by it. First time I cried over it. Cos at that moment God seemed to speak directly at me. 我是你爸爸, 我爱你, 我喜欢听你说话... I'm your Father, your Daddy, I love you, I delight to hear your voice, tell me your heart, I love to listen to you speak.

It was such an awesome heart to heart talk I had with my Dad that night after a very long while. I want to remember this and be grateful always.

There's 2 more revelations from the trip I want to write but haven't got time now. Next time!

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Weaknesses

Poor memory, lack of focus, public speaking are some very evident weaknesses that sometimes causes me to get into trouble, feel bad or be embarrased about, especially when these weaknesses doesn't benefit others the way I hope to. Subconsciously, I'd defend myself and validate the reason for my poor memory. But after defending myself, I feel even worse cos I know it's bcos I didn't wanted to be vulnerable, I didn't wanted to be lousier than what others have in their mind of me and that's pride, isn't it? These weaknesses somehow become more evident in my life right now. Maybe the people I'm with are so much smarter than me now. Sometimes, I would start wishing... I wish I have better brains, I wish I'm wiser, smarter, cleverer, more talanted...

Then again, no one is perfect and it is because of these imperfections that I depend on God all the more. I believe when God calls me, He'll equip and empower. As how He called Moses, even though Moses is really lousy at public speaking, God reassured him, "Who makes a person's mouth? Who decides whether people speak or do not speak, hear or do not hear, see or do not see? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go! I will be with you as you speak, and I will instruct you in what to say." (Ex.4:11-12) . Yes, it is You, O Lord, that make me speak, hear and see. I believe my weaknesses reminded me that You, Lord Jesus, Creator of me, my Heavenly Pa Pa, my closest Companion, my King, is and will be all I need. You told Paul, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So that Paul can say, "So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me." (2 Cor. 12:9). Likewise for me.

Jesus, thank You for Your grace in my life. There are moments of glory and times when I'm really proud of myself. When I transferred school in p.6 and went to the only school and the only class that has space, I seemed to be so proud of my results in comparison to the rest. I soon realised that that's the last class. When I got a PSLE score of 219, I thought I was rather smart. In secondary school, I remembered recieving the best camper award in a St Johns camp and the following year, a best NCO (though there's only 4 NCO to choose from, I was still kind of proud). And soon I was appointed as the chief executive of YTSS SJAB. I really wondered how I got there. But it was a good experience. Working with my best pal, Zhen Wen (I feel that she got better leadership than I do), we organised trainings, activities, camps and hikes. It was really fun! In fact, many a times, she trained me. I remembered when I had to shout commands and lead contingent for SJ day/NDP. She stayed back to shout with me and even wrote me a card to encourage me. TT. I remembered how I was praised for my formal letter and AGM report. Then when I transferred to NA, I was the top few again. I remebered the composition I wrote was praised and being photocopied and distributed to the class, I remebered I topped geography in one of the class test without studying. I was within the top 10 in N levels with a score of 3 and O levels with a score of 15 (5 subjects) and 17 (6 subjects). Then, I became an officer and trained teams for competitions. I remembered how I got an A for one of the behavoural science modules in polytechnic when I started studying only after my best friend reminded me that there's a test after school. I remembered... the list goes on... O, how I wished I'm still there and always will be there, to feel smart, good and proud. But would I really want to know You and cry out to You when I feel I'm good on my own? Even if I'm gloroius my whole life, it will still end within 70-120 years but a relationship with You will last for eternity. And when I leave this earth, how much more joy will I have when I see You face to face, a God that I already have a relationship with all these while... to have You hold my hand as I depart earth. Beautiful.

Now as I look back, I see Your grace and Your hand in those moments of glory. Though now, I seemed to be the worst and lousiest among the ppl that's around me, I know I'm here as You will. Help me to be humble and learn. And by Your hand and by Your grace, I will continue on in this journey with You as I place my hope and confidence in You alone.

If I boast, let me boast in my God.

Bottles on/in the wall!

I saw this interesting wall at bottle tree park that uses old glass bottles as decorative to the wall. Pretty neat and nice! Forgot to take a photo though. What's more? They have lots of other old stuff that they use to reuse/remake into sth new! Creative heh? =)

Games! Balloons to go!

I thought this game is rather interesting, inspired from everday life.

Team members will each have a paper plate. Each member will have to carry the balloon on their plate like a waiter to and fro and hand over the balloon to the next player without using the other hand to steady the ballon throughout the relay. If he/she does so or drops the ballon, he/she will have to go to the starting line again. Continue until the entire team has completed the race. The first team to complete the relay with all it's members sitting down is the winner.  =)

From lesson 12- The First Family, Game #1

Love your neighbour as yourself!

Jack loved puppies and is excited about getting one. He has been working hard to save and so far, he had $1.63. He went ahead when his mom said OK. When the lady told Jack that each puppy cost $5, Jack face fell. Nevertheless, the lady allowed Jack to play with the puppies. He was having a great time. Their happy faces brought a smile to his.

Out of a sudden, Jack thought of a crippled puppy his mom mentioned. The lady lifted the puppy and handed it to Jack.

Jack was so excited! "This is the one that I want!" Jack exclaimed. "I am going save up and buy him, please don't let anything happen to this puppy." The lady was puzzled.

Why would Jack want a crippled puppy?

Jack pulled out his pants and showed the lady the brace on his leg. His leg was deformed at birth. He said, "I know how the puppy feels. I want to love that puppy. I want to take care of that puppy. I want to make sure the puppy is never scared or worried."

Jack understood, and he was willing to accept and love the puppy. He was ready to truly care for it.

We need to love our familes like that. We're not perfect, so why do we expect our mothers/fathers/brothers/sisters to be perfect?

The lady couldn't resist the love she was sensing decided to give Jack the puppy free!

Summarised and paraphrased from lesson 12- Life story, The Imperfect Puppy.

I'm touched by Jack's love for the crippled puppy. Many a times, we too, are unworthy of God's love but He never fails to love us unconditionally. How can we then not love imperfect others, having been imperfect ourselves too, yet recieving abundant grace and love, being forgiven and loved much by God?

Help to build up your family!

(Mom tries hard to build the word FAMILY with boxes "F","A", "M", "I", "L", "Y", mixing up the alphabets as she goes along.)
Mom is not perfect, like everyone else, mom doesn't know everything and makes lots of mistakes but still, trying her best to build the family.

Son takes time to look at all the mistakes his mom did wrong, arms crossed and complains abt the way mom does things. He doesn't like the way mom talks to him, the way mom acts. He doesn't like the fact that his mom doesn't goes church. It bothers him that she's not like any other mom.

She's trying to build the family but he's not helping. Is his mom perfect? No.

But at least she's trying. What is the son doing to build the family? What is the son doing to help his little brothers and sisters? What is the son doing to encourage his mom? He is not doing anything, not even asking God to help his family! He should be helping instead he is just down on her and makes things worse by disobeying his mom, going places without permission and not telling where he is going. Son is not respecting his mother and he is hurting the family.

We must realise that our parents are not perfect. We must accept our share and do our part to build the family. Our family is what God has given us. We need to take care of it!

You will honor God when you do your best for your family!

Summarised and paraphrased from Lesson 12- The First Family

The lesson that hits me most is not just abt doing my best for the family but how sometimes all of us tend to stand aside and complain abt the imperfect person who is trying his/her best to serve (and most of the time they are the ones serving US). The energy/time/effort spend in complaining can do so much more by praying, encouraging, stand by them, being sensitive and lend a hand when need arises.

UNFAILING LOVE!

Exodus

Dressed for God's glory
Exodus 28:2
And thou shalt make holy garments for Aaron thy brother for glory and for beauty.

God is a detailed God
see the instrcutions that He gave Moses to built His temple and Aaron preist clothes in Exodus!

It is God who gave us all our talents and giftings!
Ex. 31:3 3 and I have filled him with the Spirit of God, with wisdom, with understanding, with knowledge and with all kinds of skills— 4 to make artistic designs for work in gold, silver and bronze, 5 to cut and set stones, to work in wood, and to engage in all kinds of crafts. 6 Moreover, I have appointed Oholiab son of Ahisamak, of the tribe of Dan, to help him.

Enablement comes with calling!
Also I have given ability to all the skilled workers to make everything I have commanded you:

What happens when you can't see a glimpse of what God promised?

TRUST!

Ex 32 When the people had to wait too long, they stopped trusting God and turned to a god they made out of their hands to lead them!

There are times I'm like that too. And I felt sad that subtly I'm depending on more of myself than God when I dont see God intervene when I expected Him to do so.

I just have to wait and keep trusting that His promises are true.

That He's greater,
He's stronger,
He's wiser,
He's kinder,
He's more loving,
more compassionate,
more righteous,
more just

THAN ME.

And that have been proven too many times in history!
So I'm just gonna trust...

Thank God for changing my heart =)

Touched by God

I must blog this so I can remember that He touched me again- His arms over my shoulders. God, I found myself when I am in Your arms again.

It is only God that can give us God moments! =)

These few months hasn't been great.

Yet, I now know all the problems that I had, the emotional upheavels, all the stress, all the burden, all the dissapiontment, all the loss of meaning in life, all the dissatisfaction, all the lack is to remind me that God is all I need, that He alone is my all in all, my joy, my peace, my love, my life. He is my life giver, my life changer, my strength, my everything (yours too!) and that I'm heading in the wrong direction all these while, putting my trust in myself rather than in God.

Indeed, God helped me and he heard my cry (Ps. 40:1), even the simple, out of desperation, "God help me, wo hen xing ku."

He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along (Ps. 40:2)

God's love flowed so strongly through it all, through His people, through their prayers, through those life giving encouragement...

All I can see now is His love for me and I will walk on with Him. =)

"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:38-39

This verse has proven true again in my life and it will be always true
He keeps loving and loving and loving...
Nothing we can do could make Him loves us more.

He is love, God is love.

He never lets go.

Thank You God... thank You, God... thank You, God...

He is no fool to give what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.
Jim Elliot

I have an appointment with the Lord of heaven and earth and I dare not be tired and I dare not be late.
-An evangelist (Name unknown)

If the praise of others elates me, or if the blame of others depresses me, then I know nothing of Calvary's love.
-Amy Carmichael

Fix your eyes on Christ and live for His smile alone.

God spoke to me

When someone who barely knows my circumsatnces spoke directly and specifically in regards to that circumstance that I am in, I know it is God. Today, He spoke:

"As you think about your future, do not worry bcos God has plans for your life, plans to give you a hope and a future. Know that God has not given you a spirit of confusion, but of power, of love and of sound mind. God has called you to be more than a conqerour. Stop thinking that you cannot handle this or you cannot handle that."

Thank God thank God thank God!!!

Felt so so so encouraged after reading what God has done in my life. As I looked back to the last 7 months of school, I thank God, thank God that it's over and that God has sustained me even in the midst of family issues and people to spend time with...

I remember there are times when I really had very very little time to study and do assingments... but God's grace saw me through.

Thank God for the FUN friends that has accompanied through these 7 months

Thank God for the FUN trip to batam!

Thank God for my sis... that God gave her a job in KTPH!

Thank God for the pleasant suprise and great friends on my birthday

Thank God for the many foooood that I had

Thank God for the opportunity to go to different nursing homes and community hospitals. Enjoyed it!

Thank God for He supply all my needs! Netbook, smartphone @ $0 with contract!

Thank God that my studies are sponsored!

Thank God for meetups with jincheng... =)

AWESOME!! =)

Thank God, praise Him!! =)

Psalm 50:7-15 (New Living Translation)

7 “O my people, listen as I speak.
Here are my charges against you, O Israel:
I am God, your God!

8 I have no complaint about your sacrifices
or the burnt offerings you constantly offer.

9 But I do not need the bulls from your barns
or the goats from your pens.

10 For all the animals of the forest are mine,
and I own the cattle on a thousand hills.

11 I know every bird on the mountains,
and all the animals of the field are mine.

12 If I were hungry, I would not tell you,
for all the world is mine and everything in it.

13 Do I eat the meat of bulls?
Do I drink the blood of goats?

14 Make thankfulness your sacrifice to God,
and keep the vows you made to the Most High.

15 Then call on me when you are in trouble,
and I will rescue you,
and you will give me glory.”

23 BUT GIVING THANKS IS A SACRIFICE THAT TRULY HONORS ME...

to my family in Christ...

i cant slp.
prob due to the caffeine- the milk tea i had with my sis.
i had lots of late nights recently.
either assignment, projects or with people.
mainly 3 people in my life currently- my sis, t, f.

well, each, i believe need someone at this pt in their life, whose reasons should be kept confidential so i won't be explaining it here.

i'm glad to avail myself to them as well. as they choose to share their lives and struggles with me, i grow too, for being so helpless with their struggles... and trusting God all the more for them to live a happy and meaningful life.

sth i thought interesting: i learnt in dover park hospice that everyone has a spiritual component in their lives but not everyone is religous. spirituality is to be in harmony with God, themselves and people ard them... thats what most researchers define. To me, that is: to be in a RELATIONSHIP with GOD, our creator and friend. He is the reason of my existence and everyone's and everything's else existed bcos of him.

Genesis
1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.
2 Now the earth was [a] formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.
... ... ...
27 So God created man in his own image,
in the image of God he created him;
male and female he created them.

anw, back to my life. 3 things (bolded)-
1) pls pray with me acc to Col. 3:23 “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.”- i'm struggling. VERY unmotivated to study... may God be my motivation.

2) pls pray with me acc to 1 cor 9:24 "Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize."- i'm struggling being discipline with God's word and being in fellowship with God's family.

thanks bro/sis for praying! =)

Hebrews
23Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. 24And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.

my own reminders (you can ignore):
-npg, ml, t, f, jie
-val, kids p. team

Stay close to God =)

Relationship with God...
starts with proximity (asking Jesus to cleanse us from sins, inviting Him in your life),
grows with communication (prayer),
stretches with knowing and understanding (bible reading, christian friends, church),
progresses with trust which translate into faith acted out in obedience (worship)
and
always abound in love.
God is love.
Love never fails.

Relationship with people...
starts with proximity (collaugues/classmates/finding out the best time to bump into that someone at a certain place, etc.),
grows with communication (talk via msn/fb/phone/meetups),
stretches with knowing and understanding (read that someone's blog, ask friends abt that someone, be with that someone when he/she's with her friends/family),
progresses with trust or stagnated with mistrust.
and
abound in love or end with hurts.
God is love.
Love never fails.
Thus, people need God.

Am reminded...

Happy moments, praise God.
Difficult moments, seek God.
Quiet moments, worship God
Painful moments, trust God
Every moment, thank God.