God really put what I've learnt into practise. Of the long entry i wrote, let me summurise: Through the this mission trip, I desire to have a pure and tender heart and to be open to God's prompting anytime, anywhere...

This attachment is never the same. I thought my heart was already hardened. I thought I had seen it all... but this attachment is so different. No longer am I concerned about doing all the work (prarmeters, keeping the patients clean, clearing bedpans, making the ward look neat) but rather I'm concerned with the patients more. God really helped me to have a tender heart again- to really feel for ppl (He gave me when I was young but I lost it somehow)... I saw this lady who told me that she wanted to die. God's love really overwhelmes me at that moment. It just saddens my heart. I kept on telling her that she cannot go yet, she have yet to see the light... She told me that she have no chance to see that light. It reminded me of my dream (I dreamt that one of my friend is leaving the world and I was so scared cos I haven't tell her sth impt.) That was the same feeling, the same urgency... I pleaded to God for her. He gave me the desire to fast and pray... now I really understand that desire/burden to fast & pray... I never had it before. I used to fast cos everyone was doing so... now I'm serious. As she shared with me how many times she tried to commit suicide but was always saved. I think that's Grace. Even ytd, I heard she was about to jump but someone found her just in time and she was sent to IMH... it is really by the grace of God. Do join me in prayer for salvation of this lady...

It wasn't easy though, not only do I struggled with food, I struggled with tiredness and even my so humanly natured selfish thoughts... own desire of dieting (that's definately not my reason God prompted me to fast!). I know it's a temptation. I confessed many times and ask God for strength... He reminded me that He is my strength and He reminded me that man shall not live by bread alone but by every word that comes from the mouth of God. I also asked to remain pure & tender at heart and He reminded me not to forget the things He had done in my life, how He touched my heart, etc... He reminded me to be urgent for the lost and filled me with compassion again... I prayed that I will never forget His heartbeat... how He feels for the lost...

He could easily change hearts but why does He allow me to go though such sufferings to bring the lost to Him? And yet I'm not perfect. Look how impure am I, struggling with so much? God says, He loves me and wants me to be part of His plan... He wants me to grow, to be more like Him... It is during this time when I'm at my weakest that I come to depend on Him more... Thank God for bringing me thru this day...

I remembered years ago, I was a lukewarm christian, a christian who never lived life victorously, a christian who's always hiding... but ever since He touched my heart by His love, I told Him that I desire Him and wants to be like Him... that was I think in 2003. I didn't had my prayers answered immediately, and I still feared and didn't have much faith in Him but like what He promised in His word, "Faith as small as a mustard seed moved mountains..." I went through alot still... It was only recently that I see my prayers answered. Even though I'm not faithful, He always is. He heard me the very moment I spoke to Him. I realised that God allowed so much things to happen in my life before He answered my prayers so that I'll be prepared for this moment when He gives me this desire... that I will know what to do with it...

I'm so thankful! Indeed. God has a time for everything (Ecc 3). "Ask and it will be given to you; seek, and you shall find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks recieves, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? or asks for a fish, will give a serpant? If you then being evil, know how to give good gifts to you children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good gifts to those who asks Him!" (Matt 7:7-11)

God desires YOU so much more than what you think. If you want to expereince His love yet do not have the desire, ASK. It may take a few days, a few months, a few years, a whole life! Keep asking!!! Remember His promises (in bold)!

To confess, I never had the boldness to post any spiritual/religous stuff online... cos I thought they were sensitive issues. I want to please my readers... I want ppl to read and come and not get offended. So I wrote 2 different sets- my personal journal (that's is truly from my heart) and my blog (that's for readers to enjoy). But I think God really touched my heart and I really want to share it with all of you. I'm too selfish to hide... I pray that all will experieence this LOVE. GOD LOVES YOU SO SO SO MUCH!!! PHRA YESU RAK KHOON MAK MAK!!! :)