1 Peter 2:9

But you are a chosen generation, a royal preiesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light.

Well, my blog has come thus far and many a times, I felt like I'm just sharing superficial stuffs bcos I felt that certain things is too personal to share to so many ppl and so I'll scribble in my journal. But no longer do I want to be so but I want to be upright, front and honest. I wanna proclaim not abt me but the praises of Him who has called me out of darkness into His marvelous light.

Yes, Eddison. I've backslided or whatever you wanna call that. Basically that is leaving the presence of God and my vision was unclear. I didn't see God. I saw a world of wickedness and without hope, I saw life is meaningless- beauty, fame, wealth, power is like chasing aft the wind. It isn't worth spending so much time and energy chasing aft it. i mean some ppl spend their whole life/80% of their time on such when everybody will go back to earth one day. At that pt, what is beauty to you? what is fame, or wealth? Everyone will still end up the same- RIP. So why bother, why try so hard? why struggle so much? life is hard you know. It's cruel sometimes. Even r/s can be superficial. I saw how ppl was nice to some ppl and then talked behind their backs. The world is so diff from what I grew up in. Sometimes, I find it hard to trust. Do you know what I felt like doing then? 2 things came to my mind. One, to end my life. two, to find someone to live for, and to have someone to love me for who I am, I mean not to like me bcos I am lovely, fun to be with, kind helpful, etc. But whatever it is to love me. If I can't find option two, I'll go to option one. And I really thought option two was impossible on this earth, after seeing so much of human hearts and intentions... I prob say I was depressed, though I smiled. Hahahaha. alot. I have to... bcos I have to work. You gotta smile and work even when you cry.

So why am I still here. That's God's grace. Seriously. You know what I missed most during my depressed moments? I rem how blessed I was in Him, how happy I was when I'm with Him, how loved I was. I missed God. ALOT. I can't seemed to go back to Him. I've avoided church bcos I don't feel like sharing such stuff. I felt like no one would understand. I don't wanna be a hypocrite. I don't read the bible cos everytime I flipped open the bible, i seemed so lost, like it's not speaking in my situation... well, or maybe i'm not hearing and when i tried to pray... it's lamenting. But deep, deep inside I want God... I want Him.

And I told you God pursued me. How? He can't speak thru the bible cos i'm not even reading, He can't speak thru church, cos I'm not even attending, He can't get through me cos my thoughts are so consumed with bitterness instead of Him. What did He do? He showed His amazing love thru a sis. She sat down and listen though I can't even describe what I'm feeling. Bits and pieces here and thr, yet she still listened. She saw the tears, she just prayed. It's really not abt what she had done but that act in itself, I saw God. I saw He never gave up on me. I saw how I was worthy of His time that he would sent someone to listen to me. i saw how He loved me even though I haven't done anything worthy. I felt God's love so overwhelming and assuring. And it didn't end there.

God assured me of His love again today. You know as most girls would, sometimes, i would think how nice it is to have a bf, esp everyone ard you is having one. But I know I live for God and trust that he will provide and meet all my needs. Today, during worship, I felt that He said I love you more than any guy would. and then at the end of the service, His voice was so clear. I love you, I love you, I love you... Man... I was so touched. I felt so blessed again, so, so, so, so (x1000) blessed to be in His presence.

In summary, this skit really, really describe my life and His love. Oh, how I was so unworthy yet He went all out for me-> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA

Imagine if I never experience God in my life, would I even missed God? Would I ever desire to be back in His presence? I won't cos I don't know how its is like. i won't know what it is like to have joy and hope and love. If i had not known... I'd prob not be on earth anymore for nth on earth is worth living for.

I hope the whole world knows and experience Him. It's not abt diff beliefs and such. Its abt knowing the ONE who breathe life into your nostrils, the ONE who loved you.